In Modern Divorce, No One Moves Out

By Adrian Altshuler | February 9, 2022

In Modern Divorce, No One Moves Out When you hear the word divorce, do you think of going to war with your ex? In today’s day and age, this is no longer the case for many couples. in fact, some couples may not appear divorced at all, because they’re still sharing the family home.

A recent essay in the New York Times told the story of a couple who filed for divorce, but still lived together in the same house. The author described how she and her soon-to-be-ex lived on different floors, allowing their son to move fluidly between them. In her words:

For two people who need a prefix of negation to refer to each other, my ex and I have had a rather porous boundary between my place and his. He and I live on separate floors of a two-family house in Brooklyn. Our 8-year-old son can run upstairs to beg his father to let him play Minecraft and run downstairs to have the Cheerios he likes with me….

We have been like this for more than two years.

Technically, we are still married, although we have filed for divorce…. But we aren’t a couple: We no longer share a bed, no longer smooch, no longer take turns making the salad, no longer give each other halfhearted back rubs, no longer dream of trips to Italy, no longer put our arms around each other in public, no longer fight about the shades being crooked, no longer outsource our intimacy to Netflix, no longer write checks to a couples’ counselor, no longer hope to fix it.

If this seems strange to you, we understand. To be honest, it seems a bit strange to us, too. But the pandemic has made life more challenging in a lot of ways, especially for couples who wish to divorce but cannot leave the family home. Divorcees may want this type of arrangement for several reasons, some attributed to finances and others for their children. If the marriage ended on decent terms, this can be an alternative to immediately having one party move out. While the love is gone, the friendship may still remain.

If this sounds like a good idea, though, there are some things you need to know. Today, our Franklin divorce attorneys will explore some of those things.

Are you abandoning your kids?

When you get divorced in Tennessee, you don’t have to move out of the house. In fact, it may be better if you do not move out right away, because you don’t want to be accused of abandoning your family. Getting kicked out is one thing; leaving on your own is another, and seeking help from an attorney before you move is smart. You want it on record that you’re not trying to leave your children.

Do you really need a divorce?

There are two ways to split up in Tennessee: you can get divorced, or you can seek a legal separation. A legal separation is like a divorce in that:

You no longer sleep with your spouse.
You make a legally-enforceable plan regarding custody, child support, property division, and alimony.
You need to go back to a judge if you decide the separation isn’t right for you.

Folks choose legal separation for a lot of reasons, but one of the big ones is insurance: i.e., couples remain married so both can remain on the insurance plan. Religion also plays a role for some couples, who cannot get divorced under the tenets of their beliefs.

So if you ready to separate but a divorce is not yet in the cards, a legal separation may be the way to go. It also has the added bonus of making the process of divorce a little smoother once you’re ready to make it official, because you already have a plan in place.

Are the kids okay?

The type of scenario described by the author sounds pretty good for couples with kids. After all, when both parents are in the same home, it may be easier to co-parent. On the other hand, your kids are bound to have a lot of questions. So, how can you be sure they’re fine?

The answer, of course, is you ask them and you observe them. Look for changes in behavior, personality, hygiene, and schooling. Are they acting up? Are they being combative? Are they reacting to stress between you and your co-parent? If so, it may be time to talk with your kids about what you are doing, or work with a family counselor to ensure everyone is being heard.

The tech company 2Houses, which was created to help divorced parents, recommends that divorced/separated couples do the following to ensure the wellbeing of their kids:

Defining the relationship, to themselves and to their children
Setting expectations about interactions with the children
Deciding on responsibilities for child-raising, caring for the family home, and other shared tasks
Defining the space so that each parent as well as the child has a place of their own
Laying out next steps in case living together doesn’t work

The ideas of what divorce should be have changed, and newer generations are looking at these issues with a different lens. What should not change is ensuring that you have someone looking out for your best Contact the Law Offices of Adrian H. Altshuler & Associates at 615-977-9370 or complete our contact form to schedule a consultation with an experienced divorce lawyer. We serve clients in the Franklin, Columbia, and Brentwood areas.

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Posted in Divorce