Navigating Custody and Visitation During the Holidays

Although it’s almost the  middle of summertime, it’s never too early to start thinking about the holidays – especially when you’re divorced and have children together. The holiday season evokes images of cozy gatherings, cherished traditions, and the joy of spending time with loved ones. However, for families dealing with separation or divorce, the holidays can transform into a stressful battleground, particularly when it comes to child custody and visitation. Let’s talk about the challenges and strategies involved in creating a workable holiday parenting plan, ensuring you’re well-prepared for this joyous, yet difficult, time of year.

Numerous factors contribute to the complexities of holiday custody disputes within families. Here’s a closer look at some common challenges:

• Discord between parents: Communication breakdowns between parents often escalate during the holidays. Emotions run high, fueled by nostalgia, loneliness, and unresolved resentments. This can make collaborative decision-making significantly more difficult.
• Competing traditions: Each parent may hold strong attachments to specific holiday traditions. They may want to share these cherished experiences with their children, leading to conflicts when these traditions differ.
• Unequal time distribution: Existing custody agreements might not adequately address holiday arrangements. Disagreements happen when one parent wants more holiday time with their children than the current schedule allows. This can be particularly contentious for major holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving.
• Financial disparity: Discrepancies in financial resources can create tension during the holidays. Gift-giving expectations and the ability to afford elaborate holiday activities can become points of contention, especially if there’s a significant income gap between parents.
• Remarriage and blended families: New partners and step-siblings further complicate holiday arrangements. Integrating new family dynamics requires careful consideration to ensure all parties feel included and respected during the holidays.

Crafting a functional holiday parenting plan

The ideal holiday scenario involves parents working together to create a balanced and flexible parenting plan that prioritizes the best interests of the children. Here are some key strategies to achieve this:

• Early communication: Don’t wait until the last minute. Initiate discussions about holiday plans well in advance, ideally months before the holidays, to avoid last-minute conflicts and scrambling for solutions.
• Focus on the children, not the conflict: Shift the conversation away from parental grievances and toward your children’s needs and preferences. Consider their ages, the traditions they value, and any potential anxieties they might have surrounding the holidays.
• Formalize the agreement: Don’t rely on verbal agreements. Clarity minimizes confusion and future disputes. Document the agreed-upon holiday schedule in writing. This can be a formal court order or a less formal, signed agreement. Our Franklin family law attorneys can help with this.
• Alternating holidays: A common approach involves alternating major holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.) year by year. This ensures fairness and allows each parent quality time with the children during these special occasions.
• Split holidays: For extended celebrations like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, consider dividing the holidays into sections. This allows each parent to spend specific portions of the holiday with the children, creating a sense of shared experience.
• Embrace new traditions: Encourage the creation of new, shared traditions that can be celebrated by both parents and children. This fosters a sense of unity and inclusivity in the post-separation family dynamic.

When parents can’t agree

Communication breakdowns are a harsh reality for many separating couples. When collaborative efforts fail, alternative approaches may be necessary:

• Mediation: A neutral third party, such as a skilled mediator, can facilitate communication and guide parents toward a workable solution. Mediators can help parents de-escalate tension, identify common ground, and craft a holiday parenting plan that prioritizes the children’s well-being.
• Parenting coordinators: Parenting coordinators assist parents in implementing existing custody agreements, including holiday schedules. They can also help address communication issues and mediate disputes that arise during the holidays. In some cases, parenting coordinators may even have the authority to make temporary decisions regarding holiday arrangements.
• Court intervention: As a last resort, the court can determine a holiday parenting plan. This is generally less desirable due to the associated cost, time commitment, and potential for increased animosity between parents. Court-ordered plans also often lack the flexibility and personal touch of agreements reached collaboratively.

Additional considerations

While navigating communication and crafting workable plans are important, other legal nuances come into play when deciding on holiday parenting arrangements:

• Religious observances: Accommodation for specific religious holidays should be addressed in the agreement. This could involve alternating holidays observed by each parent’s religion, or allowing the children to participate in both sets of traditions if feasible.
• Travel arrangements: If the plan involves travel, include details about pick-up and drop-off locations, transportation logistics (who is responsible for transporting the children), and any associated costs (e.g., plane tickets, gas money). This minimizes confusion and potential financial disputes.
• Gift-giving: While not a legal requirement, consider addressing gift-giving expectations in the plan to avoid conflict. This could involve setting a spending limit or agreeing on a specific number of gifts from each parent.
• Modification of existing agreements: If your circumstances change significantly, such as a relocation or a child’s age affecting their preferences, consider revising the holiday parenting plan. This ensures the plan remains fair and reflects the evolving needs of the family.
• Mental health considerations: Be mindful of the potential emotional effects of the holidays on children, especially during the initial years following separation. If necessary, seek guidance from a child therapist to help your children navigate the emotional complexities of the season.

Dreading holiday custody battles? Don’t let the season of joy become a source of stress. At Adrian H. Altshuler & Associates, our experienced family law attorneys can help you create a workable holiday parenting plan that prioritizes your children’s well-being and ensures a peaceful and memorable holiday season for everyone. To schedule a consultation, call or contact our offices to talk with a skilled family lawyer.  We have locations in Franklin, Brentwood, and Columbia and are happy to help.