Telling Your Children You Are Getting a Divorce
The end of a marriage is always difficult, even when the two parties involved have come to a mutual agreement. For children, however, the news can lead to unexpected responses, so it is understandable that parents may feel nervous or reluctant to speak with them. When the time comes to tell your children, there are a few things to keep in mind:
- There will be questions that need answering. Whether your child is 5 or 25, he or she will have questions. Those questions may be painful to you, but it is in your best interest to answer them as fully and as honestly as possible.
- They will remember that moment. Ask any children of divorced parents; odds are those children remember the exact moment when their parents told them about the divorce. You and your partner should choose a place and time that is safe and secure for your children – not, for example, a public restaurant or on a holiday.
- Your children’s feelings and reactions are valid. It is tempting to think of your divorce as something that’s personal to you and your spouse alone, but your children may have mixed reactions to the news. Some may feel relief that the unhappiness will end. Others may react with profound sadness or grief. Some children display no visible emotions at all. Each of these responses – indeed, any responses – are valid, even if they don’t coincide with yours.
- All of your children deserve your trust. Over the years, we’ve met many parents who felt it was better to tell the older children before the younger ones. However, this puts an unnecessary burden on your older children to keep their grief to themselves, and could indicate to younger children that they are not “worthy” of handling the news. It’s in your family’s best interest to discuss the matter together, as it alleviates some of the stress of keeping a secret.
- Children suffer from long, protracted battles. Your children will pay the price of you and your spouse’s inability to reach an agreement. A long, contentious battle may be inevitable, but it only harms your children. If you and your spouse cannot be amicable, make it a point to at least be civil in one another’s company. Don’t unload your anger, grief or anxiety on your children, and do whatever you can to reach a resolution as quickly and fairly as possible.
We’ve helped hundreds of Tennessee families come to terms with their marriage dissolution, and we’ve learned that in most cases, one person is deeply wounded by the process. Your children are almost guaranteed to see that wound. And while we would never recommend ignoring your own grief, we know that bearing it openly (and loudly) to your children can only cause problems later.
The most important thing to remember is that honesty is key – so long as that honesty doesn’t pit you against your spouse, or your children against one another. It’s common for children to “side” with one parent or the other; make sure that you stress how you and your spouse both love your children, and that the decision to divorce will not affect that love, no matter what.